i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
