She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
