they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
