My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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