just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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