I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
