Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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