Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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