does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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