Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
