The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
