Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
