i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
