So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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