anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
