I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
