she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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