I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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