Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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