two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
