No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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