I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
