If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
