put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
