You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
