I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
