he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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