I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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