I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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