so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
