seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
