please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
