i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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