I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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