If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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