I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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