I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
