I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
