tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
