We're facebook friends in real life
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
its liver damage thursday
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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