Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize