Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
