The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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