hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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