I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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