Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
