You can't motorboat a personality
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize