The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I love having hate sex.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Even my vagina gasped.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
