i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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