consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
