i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She even gives head with a lisp.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
