Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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