I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
