We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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