I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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