two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
