her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
