Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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